My Daughter Has Blocked Me From Seeing My Grandkids—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I'm a mother to an adult child with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). She is 29 and a parent to two children aged 3 and 6.

Seven months ago, my daughter and I argued, and I haven't seen my grandchildren since; my daughter is so angry.

We argued because I was paying £65 (about $80) per month for my 6-year-old grandchild to go to a 30-minute swim session each week with an adult also in the pool.

Due to his age and swimming level, the lessons required a responsible adult to be in the pool with him. After about six months of paying for these lessons, I found out that my grandchild had actually been missing quite a few lessons because my daughter did not want get in the pool with him. I still needed to pay for the lessons he was missing. Despite missing some classes, I noticed that my grandchild was becoming a stronger swimmer, so I asked the lesson facilitator if they could go up a class to an improvers group that wouldn't require an adult in the pool, and they said yes.

My grandchild was really excited to move up, however my granddaughter thought I was stepping on her toes and got very upset with me. She said it was none of my business and that I should "get in my own lane," and that I'm "only here to pay for the swimming lessons."

I come from a traumatic childhood as my father was an alcoholic and it still affects me today. My issue is I'm desperate to see my grandchildren, but I don't want to hurt my daughter any more that she says I already have. I personally don't think I've ever done anything to intentionally hurt my daughter but I do think we trigger each other. I've tried many times to reach out and sort this out but she's turned down mediation and I'm at a loss at what to do now.

Helen, England.

I Applaud You for Trying To Get Support

Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a clinical psychologist and USA Today bestselling author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety

Thanks for your heartfelt note, and I'm so sorry that your effort to be supportive has turned into something painful. It seems your main wish is to find a way to see your grandchildren. Have you tried simply apologizing to your daughter and indicating that you'll refrain from any further steps that could feel (to her) like an encroachment, such as making adjustments in her children's athletic education? I completely understand your reasons for coordinating a change in her son's swimming plan—and her response about you "just being here to pay for the lessons" sounds unnecessarily rude and devaluing. However, she is the gatekeeper to your grandchildren—so if your goal is to see them, you may need to tolerate her rudeness and reassure her that you will refrain from any decision-making behaviors whatsoever moving forward.

As you hinted, it sounds like this problem is deeper than a single incident—I applaud you for trying to get support. You mentioned that she declined "mediation"; I wonder if perhaps she might consider family therapy? Regardless, remember that your goal is your grandchildren—don't let her poor attitude bar you from them if you can help it.

Try Validating Your Daughter's Anger

Peter Lobl is a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues with adults and couples, with a private practice in New York City.

It is clear from your letter how painful it is for you to be out of contact with your grandchildren. In paying for your grandson's swim lessons, you only wanted the best for him and your daughter. If he was missing swim lessons because your daughter didn't get in the pool, then getting your grandson promoted to the next class was the obvious solution since no adult in the pool was then required. As I understand it however, your daughter took offense at your direct contact with the swim instructor.

It sounds like you have since tried many times to reestablish contact with your daughter to no avail. I don't know what kind of outreach you've already done, so my suggestion below may be something you've already tried. I saw from your letter's title that your daughter carries a diagnosis of ADHD; my suggestion applies irrespective of that diagnosis.

If your priority is to reestablish contact with your family, then you might try validating your daughter's anger. When people feel hurt or angry, they oftentimes just want to have their feelings validated. Giving and receiving validation can help facilitate renewed communications.

In this context, validating your daughter's anger would mean telling her that you find her anger understandable.

Note that validating your daughter's anger does not mean you agree with her perspective. You may still privately believe that you acted appropriately in contacting the swim instructor. In validating your daughter's anger, you are just telling her that you understand why she got angry with you. In validating her anger, you could, for example, tell her that you can see why she felt you overstepped some boundary when you didn't consult her and spoke directly to the swim instructor.

If you decide to try this approach, I suggest you stick as closely as possible to validating. If you begin to defend your actions or if the two of you start to argue about who was right and who was wrong, then reestablishing contact becomes less likely. I know the approach I am suggesting is no simple task, but I hope you find this advice helpful nonetheless.