If we were betting folk here at NEWSWEEK, we'd put our chips on LeBron James announcing that he'll continue to play for Cleveland when his hourlong, charity-benefiting prime-time special airs tomorrow night on ESPN. But the whole thing leaves us kinda cold—not because we were hankering for something juicier, and not because it rewards Cleveland's self-debasing sobs that they'll fall off the map if James leaves them. No, we're bummed because this presser—this absurd, aggrandizing, twice-the-length-of-the-NBA-draft-lottery presser—will, one way or another, conclude the national competition for Most Ridiculous Tempt-Lebron Jingle. A moment of silence, please, for:
"The Bron Bron Song": This hip-hop infused track about the lure of Dallas features the timeless lyric," C'mon LeBron/Putcha Maverick jersey on/Then it's time to get it on."
"Please Stay, LeBron": This easy-listening chorale cantata about Cleveland's charms, sung by local celebs (a furniture-store pitchman!) to the tune of "We Are the World" gets a little desperate at times. "Just tell us, King, what changes we must make," a city sings. "We'll rename every street LeBron if that's what it takes." (No, seriously. Don't mess.)
"Lessons From a Cage": This secretary quartet from Broadway's Promises, Promises, doing four-part harmony about the Knicks's hometown bets that LeBron loves cupcakes and musicals. "Magnolia Bakery sells cake by the slice/And despite what you've heard, New Yorkers are nice!"
"Send LeBron to Chicago": And this rap from Chicago, complete with the AutoTune'd stylings of Weezy.
Sorry, guys, but the furniture pitchman has it.
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