What to Get Donald Trump for Christmas

Poor Santa. With so many deserving kids to take care of, there's no time to devote to the grown-ups—or the many presidential candidates. So with our hearts full of the spirit of the season, here are some gift ideas for deserving candidates. What they are deserving of, well, that was the challenge.

Marco Rubio

• As the senator with the highest absentee rate, a copy of the Four-Hour Work Week to help him make the most of his time in D.C.
• His own credit card

Ben Carson

• A signed first edition of An Introduction to the Archaeology of Ancient Egypt
• A subscription to Foreign Policy magazine
• A parachute for that long drop in the polls...

Ted Cruz

• Director's cut, Revenge of the Nerds

Bernie Sanders

• Junior Monopoly, so he can find out what it's like to be a capitalist
• Whatever everyone else gets

Chris Christie

• LEGO George Washington bridge, now with closeable lane action

Donald Trump

• A make-your-own tortilla machine, because there is little chance a Mexican person is going to ever again make him a tortilla—or a necktie
• For a man who so obviously enjoys himself, a selfie toaster. How better to start the morning than staring at your own face in a piece of toast?

George Pataki

• A supporter. Just one. It has to start somewhere…

Martin O'Malley

• A Fender stratocaster guitar. Time to go electric, bro.

Mike Huckabee

• Who needs position papers? This talking teddy bear speaks bible verse and would make a great veep

Carly Fiorina

• Board of investors action figure set
• Battery-powered baby doll with its heart beating, its legs... KICKING! (This item not yet available in stores)

Lindsey Graham

• 10,000 G.I. Joe action figures

Rand Paul

• A "dumbass" GoPro
• Laughing gas

Jeb Bush

• A paint-by-number "Hang in There" kitten picture, perfect for home or campaign bus.
• A spot on Mitt Romney's transition team

Rick Santorum

• Season tickets to the Philadelphia 76ers

Hillary Clinton

• Nothing. Donald Trump is enough of a gift for her.