I Was A Trans Man, Now I'm Detransitioning To Reclaim My Femininity

Looking in the mirror growing up, Nikita Teran realized something was wrong. Teran, now 24 years old, always felt inferior and different to other girls, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Always a tomboy, finally years of insecurity fell into place when she when she came across a female-to-male transitioning story on YouTube, telling Newsweek that suddenly "it all made sense."

Seeing another person experience the same concern was enlightening, and knowing it was a possibility, Teran looked into transitioning. At 18, she finally took the leap and began transitioning to a male. "It's hard to explain the joy, everything just fell into place," she said.

"I began socially transitioning on and off from 16, but by 17 I was identifying as a male full-time. My family knew, but only through my mom. I still went with my birth name and female pronouns because I wasn't comfortable doing anything else at such early stage. I had short hair and masculine clothes, but I was well aware that I still looked female.

"I started testosterone two weeks after turning 18, and I was on that for half a year before I changed my legal name to Nicolas, and started living completely as a man. That was when I noticed a change in my voice and facial, and I felt ready to take that next step."

Those years of struggling to fit in finally felt like they were in the rearview mirror as Teran found confidence in expressing her new identity. She finished high school, got a job at a restaurant, and after having a double mastectomy at age 19, felt like she was "one of the boys." The fear of not being accepted went away, and for several years she was finally happy.

"I just felt like I fit in for the first time. I would think, wow I haven't cried for months, but it was because there was nothing to cry about anymore," Teran said.

Finding The Freedom To Experiment With Identity

But while that may have felt like the happiest time of Teran's life, her journey was far from over, and at around 22 years old, those doubts surrounding gender identity began to creep back in. She started to question herself and wonder if the decision to transition to a male was the right decision after all.

She'd taken a job at an LGBTQ+ bar and saw how welcoming the community was, which allowed her to start experimenting with her sexuality. Surrounding herself with friends who were so inclusive gave Teran the freedom to try new things without feeling shame or fear because they would accept her for whoever she chose to be.

Looking back, Teran recounts how she stopped conforming to her trans gender, and "started pushing away from a male identity." She felt safe in that environment to break gender stereotypes and try new things, and the more that happened, the closer she got to being female once again.

"I was caught up exploring femininity and being with my LGBT community," Teran told Newsweek. "In that world, you can be whoever you want, and no one will judge you. People assumed that I was a trans woman, but I didn't care about it because no one else did."

Teran didn't expect it, but she was back in a limbo between two identities, feeling as though she had a double life. She knew that living as a trans man was no longer what she wanted, and it was time to confront that fear by going back to the doctors and beginning the process of detransitioning.

A steady increase in acceptance has encouraged more people to break the shackles of previous societal norms, with the Williams Institute of Law estimating that approximately 1.6 million people over the age of 13 identify as transgender in the United States. It also highlights that the number of youth identifying as transgender, around 300,000, has doubled from the previous calculation.

While many are liberated by their transition, that isn't the case for all. A 2021 meta-analysis published in the peer-reviewed journal Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery—Global Open found that around 1 percent of patients who had gender-affirming surgery regretted their decision to go under the knife and change their body. A small number of those individuals later went on to have reversal surgeries.

Several months passed before Teran felt comfortable taking the plunge and opening up to the doctor, but once she did, the road ahead seemed much clearer. Teran was put on a waiting list to have laser hair removal. She is going to change her name back to Nikita and start using female pronouns once more.

"I had avoided it, because I was scared confronting my fears regarding detransitioning and what that meant for my future," Teran said. "When I met my doctor for the first time after choosing to detransition, that's when it really hit me that this is real. Now I've made a decision, and now the real uphill battle begins.

"I took a while for me to tell my high school friends as I find it stressful to say that I'm going through this. I still haven't told everyone. A lot of the stress is just in my head because they were all supportive and understanding. I just get stressed very easily about the idea of saying I'm de-trans. It's difficult for me."

The Effects of Reversing A Transition

The process of detransitioning looks different for every individual, dependent on how far they are into their initial transition. Newsweek spoke with Dr. Marcus Tellez, a licensed family medicine physician, who said that the process of detransitioning can be social, medical, and psychological.

"Detransition is when an individual who has started the process of transitioning returns to live as the gender assigned by their birth sex," he said.

"Most individuals are able to return to a similar physical status they had prior to HRT initiation, but mental implications for detransitioning are likely related to discrimination from others. For most individuals, transitioning in a safe space improves mental health outcomes."

Tellez, who is principal investigator for HIV research and is passionate about LGBTQ+ health, said that there are generally no health issues that arise from detransitioning, but it's vital those undergoing it have access to mental health services when making such a huge decision.

"It should be a well-informed decision that they make when they are mentally and emotionally ready," he said.

"Help in the form of mental health services and quality medical care under the supervision of a clinician should be available to all."

Sharing The Secret On Social Media

After living as a woman for around a year, Teran no longer wanted to carry the heavy burden and decided to share her experience on TikTok (@nteran98). Going public with this secret has allowed her to connect with others who have detransitioned and to find clarity in the experience.

As the trans debate remains highly contentious and often politicized, Teran regularly faces backlash online for her choices. But she refuses to let that stop her from speaking out and connecting with others.

At present, Teran is working on telling her family that she is transitioning back to female, but it hasn't been easy to have those conversations as she fears that some people won't accept her decision.

She said: "Living this double life has become my new normal and I noticed it started to affect my wellbeing. I navigated my detransition completely alone and I had a lot of bottled-up anger that started to show. I hit my breaking point at the end of summer, that's when I started posting on TikTok. I somehow felt comfort in telling complete strangers.

"I was done with it and I needed to focus on ending that chapter. I started sharing more about my double life and people took an interest in my story. I didn't think I would grow a following like this. I've had people commenting that they are either going through this or already have, family members or friends who have someone close to them who detransitioned. I would like to be there for others and make the experience less lonely."

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