Should You Share a Bed With Your Partner? Sleep Scientists Break It Down

Sharing a bed with your partner is often seen as an important milestone in any budding romance. But, when it comes to long-term couples, roughly one in six American adults say that they would prefer to sleep in a different bed from their partner's, or in a different room entirely, according to YouGov polls, with two thirds sharing a bed with their partners.

While numerous studies have demonstrated the benefits of sleeping next to a loved one, many others have highlighted the disruptive and sometimes detrimental sleep impacts of sharing a bed with someone else.

So, the question remains—should you be sharing a bed with your partner? Newsweek spoke to sleep experts to find out.

"Sleep health is increasingly recognized as a key part of health," Dr. Michael Grandner, director of the Sleep & Health Research Program at the University of Arizona, told Newsweek. "The effects of sleeping alone or with someone can have an impact on mental and physical health, through improving or worsening sleep."

One of the most immediate benefits of sleeping together is the psychological sense of safety and security derived from sleeping next to a loving partner. "These affective states are an important cue to the brain that it is ok to downregulate vigilance and fall into sleep," Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corporation think tank and professor at the University of Pittsburgh and the University of Utah, told Newsweek.

These feelings of security can be amplified by the love hormone, oxytocin, which has been shown to make people fall asleep more quickly, rest more efficiently and spend longer periods in restorative REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Oxytocin may also reduce levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, which is released naturally by our bodies in the morning to wake us up but can also keep us awake at night.

In a study in 2022, published in the journal Sleep, Grandner and his team at the University of Arizona found that people who shared a bed with their partner "most nights" reported less severe insomnia, less fatigue, less sleep apnea, more sleep and were able to fall asleep more quickly. Sleeping with a partner was also associated with lower depression, anxiety and stress, and greater social support and relationship and life satisfaction.

Other studies have also shown associations between co-sleeping and longer periods of REM sleep, increased total sleep time, sleep efficiency and subjectively better sleep quality overall. However, this will very much depend on the compatibility of you and your partner's sleeping habits.

"There are many individual factors that can contribute to a couple's sleep compatibility," Troxel said. "For instance, if one partner tends to be a very light sleeper, whose sleep is easily disrupted, then they may face more challenges when sharing a bed, because even the slightest noises or movements can disrupt their sleep...If you have a partner who snores, who tosses and turns, steals the sheets, has a different sleep-wake pattern than you—e.g. he's a night owl and you're a lark—or engages in other sleep-disrupting behaviors, like scrolling through his phone or insisting on keeping the TV on all night, these are all factors that can disrupt your sleep, and potentially lead to relationship strife as well!"

Clinical psychologist and sleep specialist Michael Breus, founder of the Sleep Doctor website, said that the three most common complaints he had from his clients were disagreements of temperature, TV and snoring. "There are some things that are controllable and others that are not," he told Newsweek. "For example, if someone is having hot flashes due to menopause, then the solution may be that both people need a cooler room (or one person moves to another room), but if the issue is snoring, then one person may need treatment."

Your ability to share a bed may depend on your own personal history too. "Some people who are trauma survivors have a great difficulty feeling save when they are in bed, and sometimes having someone else there can increase some of those stresses," Grandner said.

Putting up with poor sleep and a disruptive bed partner can lead to resentment in any relationship, so it is always important to discuss these issues before they blow up. "If you or your partner are regularly not sleeping well, and you've ruled out other likely causes, including a possible sleep disorder in either one of you or other behavioral factors that are contributing to poor sleep (e.g, drinking too much alcohol), then it might be time to have a conversation about giving separate beds or bedrooms a try," Troxel said.

"There is so much stigma attached to sleeping apart in our society, as we tend to equate sleeping apart as a sign of a loveless or sexless relationship. And yet, for many couples, intentionally making the choice to sleep apart, so that each partner can get the sleep they need, and in turn, be a better partner, can actually be a key to their relationship success.

"Science clearly shows us that when we are well-slept, we are happier, healthier, funnier, better communicators, and less prone to conflict—all of which are critical building blocks of healthy relationships."

And sleeping in separate bedrooms does not necessarily mean you have to love the intimacy associated with sharing a bed. "For many couples, it is the time spent together before falling asleep that is most important for fostering those feelings of closeness, intimacy, and comfort, which are critical for both healthy relationships and healthy sleep," Troxel said. "So for all couples, I recommend creating a nighttime ritual with your partner, whether that be cuddling, talking about your days, being intimate, or reading together. The goal is to find something that is relaxing and pleasurable for both of you and that allows you both to be present without the usual distractions of the day."

And for those who do prefer to share a bed, Breus has some simple tips:

• Get a bigger mattress.
• Solve snoring issues and talk to a sleep specialist.
• Try different sleep positions.
• Communicate with your partner.
• Kick the kids and pets out.
• Make the room more sleep-friendly.