I Was With My School Sweetheart for Years. One Moment Made Me End it

I met my childhood sweetheart in elementary school. We were so young, but by the time we went to high school, we were already a couple.

We dated for the entirety of high school and for a further four years while we attended separate universities. At the time, he was genuinely my best friend. We did everything together and I loved it.

But by the time I graduated college at 21 years old, I was having doubts about the relationship. Is he the right person for me? Do I really want to only be with one person, forever? I thought.

I wasn't always happy, and didn't feel like I was being treated in the way I wanted, but I had never dated anyone else. While I could acknowledge those feelings, I wasn't as emotionally intelligent as I am now, so I stayed out of comfort.

We had this huge social group, made of my girlfriends and his guy friends, who were a big part of our life and I didn't want to lose them. The life I had with him was all I had known for eight years.

After starting university, I was already thinking about the possibility our relationship may not last forever—but there was one moment that changed everything.

It was my cousin's wedding day and my ex-boyfriend was late. I had asked him to take the day off work so that we wouldn't have to rush; I come from a very large Portuguese family, where being on time is very important, and that day meant a lot to me.

But he decided to take a shift in the morning, so he was working right up until the time we should have been leaving the house. I remember arriving at his parents' house and waiting for him to get home.

I was completely ready in my wedding guest attire, pacing in the hallway in front of his bedroom, while his mom sat there assuring me: "It's okay, he'll be home soon. He'll be quick. It's okay."

I was absolutely fuming. He finally arrived, and for the entire 20-minute drive we were silent. By the time we got to the wedding everyone was already seated and I was just so mad and stressed.

This was one of the first weddings from my generation of cousins, so for me, there was already an element of thinking that I could be next.

I was sitting there, watching my cousin and her partner perform their vows, and saw just how happy they were. I saw the love they had for one another, and thought to myself, whatever they have up there, I do not have here.

I turned to look at my partner, who was not paying attention to the wedding, and at that moment knew this wasn't for me anymore. I needed to figure out a way to leave. I was scared, but I knew I wasn't happy.

I was definitely concerned about meeting someone else—part of me thought, maybe this is my person. I met him when I was young, we do get along, but when things are bad, they're bad.

There was a lot of back and forth in my head, which I believe most women often go through when they're thinking of leaving someone. I started looking at the relationship with rose-colored glasses and suddenly remembered all the good parts, when only two weeks earlier I was thinking about all the bad.

At that point, we had been together for nearly a decade and everyone around me thought that we were going to get married. That was our life, that was our future together.

My dream has always been having a beautiful wedding and family—it's always been something I wanted, so in that moment it felt like I was giving all of that up, which was terrifying.

It took me almost a full year to actually end things with him, because I was just so scared of losing what I had.

He was everything that I have ever known. All my formative years have been with him, and all my friends were connected to him, so I knew by leaving I was risking not being able to not have those friendships anymore. It felt like my whole world would change.

But when I actually broke up with him, I had an overwhelming feeling of relief.

I didn't tell my parents right away. My immediate friends knew, but I just wanted to process it by myself. They didn't find out until asking one Sunday whether my ex wanted to come for lunch, and I casually told them we weren't together anymore.

Looking back now, it's so strange to think about what would have happened if I had married that person—my life would be so different.

If I had stayed with my first love, I would have never pursued the things I have now, I wouldn't have met the partner that I have now, who is absolutely amazing and so healthy.

I've gone through so many things and been able to grow so much as a person. In our relationship, I didn't really have any individuality. I wasn't my own person, I was one half of that relationship.

Once the relationship was over, things changed slowly. At first, we tried to have the same friends; I'd hang out with them while he was there, but in the end it just felt like a weird divorce.

Eventually, I started to enjoy my freedom and began going out to bars and enjoying my single era.

Sadly, I had to push some friends away, because they had attachments to him, but I was able to keep a couple of close, core friends who were happy to go through this journey with me.

Of course it sucks to lose friends, but I'm very happy with how things turned out.

I'm happy that they've been able to live their lives and I've been able to grow into the person that I am, because I love me so much more now than I did at 21.

The next couple of years after my breakup were fun, but bumpy. I ended up becoming briefly engaged, but it was a fast and furious relationship that ended as quickly as it started. It was me who ended the engagement, and in turn I had left behind everything that I had ever dreamed of, again.

I started using social media to talk about relationships, while starting therapy and taking a year and a half off dating completely. I've done a lot of amazing healing work for myself.

When I eventually started dating again, everything had changed. I had sat with myself for a long time fully evaluating not only my really bad relationship, but my childhood sweetheart.

I did a lot of self-reflecting. I thought: What am I doing here that's not working? What's going wrong? What unhealthy mindsets do I have around dating? What will I not tolerate in another man?

After making the decision to meet new people, I was very conscious and self-aware of who I was talking to. I listened and heard what they were saying, rather than thinking they would change who they were.

I was being very strategic, and I think that's what led me to finding someone who treats me well, is healthy, and respectful.

To anyone who is worried about leaving a relationship, I would advise taking the time to know what you want.

What are your values and what are your boundaries? If you're doing everything to please other people, or to reach a goal of being a wife or a mom, I don't believe you'll really ever be happy.

I would say to take the time to know yourself—because that changes your whole world.

Haly Fontes is a relationship vlogger from Canada. You can follow her on TikTok at @accordingtoplan.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek's My Turn associate editor, Monica Greep.

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