Man Backed for Refusing To Pay Son's Tuition: 'I Funded a Whole Lot'

A man is being supported online for refusing his biological son's request he pay his college tuition.

The man, u/livhyun37, shared his story to the popular r/AmITheA**hole Reddit forum, earning over 7,000 upvotes and 2,800 comments for his post, "AITA refusing to pay for my son's college tuition?"

The original poster (OP) says that he's now 39, but back in college he had a one-night stand with "Jade," who got pregnant. He told Newsweek that they did use protection while together, but it must have failed. Jade ended up having a son, "Marty," and while the OP says that he agreed to pay child support, he didn't want to have kids, and is fine with not having contact with Marty.

The OP adds that he and Jade are still friends, and neither party has had any problem with the arrangement. He says that he's only talked with Marty on a few occasions.

"Jade and I have been content with this arrangement for years, and she does a great job being a parent, I funded a whole lot of my son's life, I basically paid for everything Jade couldn't, like extracurriculars and sometimes even bills and groceries if she was in a bad spot," he wrote.

Marty recently graduated from high school, and now has his sights set on college. However, the school he's picked has a tuition that Jade can't afford. He asked his mom for the OP's number, and called asking for the tuition money.

"He made a point saying that I have a well paying job, he was my only son, and I'd never been there for him as a dad, so I should at least pay his tuition," u/livhyun37 wrote.

The OP refused, saying that he provided for the child, and he also never wanted children to begin with, and that was his agreement with Jade. He also told Newsweek that though he used the word "son" to make telling the story easier in his post, he doesn't see Marty as a son.

"I would just like to clarify, I do not see myself as a father to Marty, nor am I claiming to be," u/livhyun37 told Newsweek.

Marty told him that he was "selfish" to "pretend" he didn't have any "obligation" to him. OP said that he did have an obligation—the child support.

"He protested saying that I 'never gave him anything'. Which just isn't true, I made sure Jade had the money to care for him, and gave him gifts through Jade on occasion," the OP wrote.

He says that Jade agrees with him that Marty's being unreasonable, and told the teen he had other options. Not just that, but OP couldn't afford it—saying that while he does "get paid more than average," it's not enough to cover the tuition costs. Marty is mad at Jade for taking the OP's side, saying that he's not done anything for him "in the long run."

When a couple breaks up, child support is important—but can also lead to a number of difficulties. However, many of those difficulties are due to the owing party refusing to pay. In this case, however, the OP is being asked to pay more.

Newsweek reached out to Kaytee Gillis, LCSW to ask about the situation. She agrees that it's not the OP's responsibility to pay for Marty's college tuition, saying, "When we turn 18, we have the right to choose whatever college we want to go to in whatever location seems exciting, but we also might have to take out student loans to pay for whatever our parents can't (or don't) help us with."

That said, she also says she understands what Marty's going through.

"I was that child who was supported financially but not emotionally and I always felt like an obligation. This experience can lead to symptoms of emotional neglect if the child isn't able to get that need met elsewhere," Gillis said.

Her advice was to "explore the feelings behind the son's statements."

"I'm sure he undoubtedly has a lot of pain that comes from not having his dad involved in his life, and that should be validated and supported first and foremost. I think that is a separate situation from the financial obligation question," she told Newsweek.

"My advice to the child is to get the support that validates his experience and feelings. Financially supporting, and emotionally supporting a child are two different things—and the child has a right to any feelings that come from his father not being involved, and this shouldn't be dismissed. Secondly, find supports who you feel comfortable with. Maybe it's an uncle, an older cousin, or a mentor. It's okay to seek out support for your needs," Gillis added.

Reddit agreed that u/livhyun37 was in the right, though some had harsh words for him regardless.

"[Not the A**hole] for not paying tuition. It sounds like you have fulfilled the obligations set by you & Jade," u/DrKittyLovah wrote in the top-rated comment with 11,100 upvotes. "But don't pretend that you don't deserve to be called an unsupportive bum by your son. It absolutely sounds like the truth given what you've written. You gave Jade the monetary support, not your kid. Yes, it was used for your son's needs, but since kids aren't supposed to be involved in the $ issues between parents you're going to have to tell me what you've done for your your son that he could consider direct 'support' from you?

"Seems like you did the absolute bare minimum but nothing more; I'm not sure you deserve the credit you want for the role you played," they added.

"[Not the A**hole], you did what you had to re: paying child support. Kid can take out student loans and apply for financial aid," u/jellyfishnova wrote.

"[No A**holes Here]. You aren't an [a**hole] for not wanting to pay for his college," u/idk_what_im_doing__ wrote. "But I also feel like he's not an [a**hole] for being upset, only because it sounds like his frustrations are far beyond his tuition. The tuition is just a straw that broke the camels back. Sure you didn't want kids, but that doesn't fix his feelings of abandonment. He has had to spend his whole life knowing you didn't want him. That has to suck."

"[Not the A**hole]. Marty is now an adult and has to pay his own way through college. Thousands of college students finance their way with loans and part time jobs and Marty can do the same," u/dwotw wrote. "You don't have any obligation to fund his tuition. Kudos for giving child support for 18 years but it can stop here."