Mom of 5 Refusing To Buy Husband a Car Despite Having the Money Cheered

A woman—who refused to use a payment she received for her book series to buy her husband a car he allegedly demanded to be gifted for Christmas—has been praised by users on Reddit, warning her to "be careful" of "financial abuse."

In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A****** (AITA) subform, user First_Ear_7472 said she has been married to her husband Greg for a decade and she "dropped out of college" to be a stay-at-home mother to their five daughters.

For the past five years, the user had been working on writing a series of books, which she had kept secret from her husband "because he always considered it a waste of time."

She later secured a deal for the book series.

The user said "when they told me how big my advance [payment] would be, I almost fainted. It's much more than I expected for a first time deal (it's in the higher five digits). I haven't told my husband yet..."

But Greg later found out about the deal and "he is now demanding I get him a new car for Christmas. A very expensive new car which would cost the majority of my advance," the user said.

A study published in June 2008 in the peer-reviewed Journal Family Relations found 73 percent) of married couples and 52 percent of cohabiting couples "combine all their money."

The study also found that three-quarters of cohabiting couples and 83 percent of married couples "keep their money separate but split household and child expenses 50-50."

According to a 2022 study in the peer-reviewed Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, "couples who pool all of their money (compared to couples who keep all or some of their money separate) experience greater relationship satisfaction and are less likely to break up.

"Though joining bank accounts can benefit all couples, the effect is particularly strong among couples with scarce financial resources (i.e., those with low household income or who report feeling financially distressed)," the study found.

Jay Zigmont, a certified financial planner and the founder of Childfree Wealth, a life and financial planning firm based in Mississippi, told Newsweek: "The challenge in this situation may be a lack of communication and agreement about finances. While the books and car are the current symptoms, the bottom line is that they are not on the same page."

The certified financial planner said many couples adopt some version of 'The Gardener and the Rose' model, in which "one person provides support (the Gardener) while the other grows (the Rose). The key is to have an open discussion about roles and the ability to take turns in each role."

The Signs of Financial Abuse

Some users on Reddit made allegations of "financial abuse" against the husband in the latest post, accusing him of being "controlling."

Alarmed_Jellyfish555 wrote: "As soon as she mentioned not knowing about the household financials my mind went to financial abuse, and the rest of the post REEKS of financial abuse. I don't think it's a coincidence he wants her to throw all the money on an expensive item that belongs to him. I think it's about control and making sure she doesn't have any of that money to fall back on..."

YoshiKoshi said: "Control was my first thought. He's controlling you by only allowing you access to enough money for household expenses and not sharing info about how the rest of the money is spent. You don't even know if there are savings or investments. This is financial abuse."

Immigration and family law attorney Marina Shepelsky, the CEO and founder of the New York City-based Shepelsky Law Group, told Newsweek: "If you ask yourself 'is my spouse abusive?' or 'does my spouse abuse me?,' it's important to know there are many different types of abuse."

Below are some examples of financial abuse which may qualify you for a VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) petition, as outlined by Shepelsky:

• Ruining the spouse's credit: If your spouse has more debt than you (compared to income) and they apply for a loan or mortgage together with you, it might be denied. Even if your application is approved, their one's poor credit or high DTI could land you with a higher interest rate. If your spouse is intentionally ruining your credit, especially without your permission, that is a sign of financial abuse.
• Opening credit cards in spouse's name and credit without their consent or knowledge.
• Running up credit cards and never repaying them
• Ruining spouse's credit.
• Locked spouse out of joint bank accounts by spouse.
• Your spouse is demanding receipts for the spouse's spending on necessities.
• Your spouse blocked your debit and credit cards.
• Taking away all the spouse's earnings.
• Spending all the joint money and spouse's money without their consent.
• Gambling away family savings.
• Letting family rent, mortgage and tax bills and utilities lapse to the point of eviction, foreclosure and utilities turnoffs.
• Creating joint IRS tax debt without the other spouse's knowledge.

When the original poster "politely refused" to pay for her husband's new car, explaining that that money she earned is meant to go into savings, the husband allegedly said "because he's supported me all these years, I owe him, and without him and his money, I wouldn't be where I am now. He's told me that I either buy him a car or I have to start paying for household expenses half and half."

She added: "Ideally, I want that money saved up should something happen because I honestly don't know the details of our home finances, or for our kids future. Whatever will be needed, plus I would love to have some spending money without asking my husband, Greg."

Several Redditors shared messages of support for the original poster, warning her to "be careful" and to rethink the marriage.

In a post that received 15,500 upvotes, CyclonicHavoc said the poster's "abusive" husband is "controlling and entitled, he is extremely critical of you and doesn't respect your life goals or even any of your wishes ... you are being manipulated ... you're also being blackmailed and punished by being told you'll face serious consequences if you don't give him what he's demanding ... you do not owe him a thing. The only thing you owe him is to pack suitcases for you and your kids and to demand, 'You either straighten up or I'll leave'."

User angrygoblinnoises said: "Please stay safe, OP [original poster]. Don't give in, but be very careful. Controlling men don't tend to take it well when they don't get what they want. Maybe mail him a tiny toy car once you're home free."

Shes_Crafty_4301 advised: "Do not give him access to this money at all. And think carefully about whether you want to stay married to him. He is financially abusing you and will not stop. I wish you strength and luck."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.

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