A frustrated father has asked Reddit if he is the a****** for the way he handled a delicate situation involving his children, his ex-wife, and her recently deceased husband.
In the post, user KaleidoscopeLeft7130 explained that his children, a daughter, 13, and a son, 11, were recently upset by their mother's behavior at their stepfather's funeral. He explained that despite being in his children's lives for seven years, they were not close to their mother's second husband. He described their relationship as "strained at best," and labeled the man a "hard*** and said the "kids found him overly strict (and I agree) and they didn't like being around him," saying he was like a "commanding officer."
According to the Pew Research Center, an estimated 113.6 million Americans have a step-relationship.
The tension within the family arose after the stepfather's funeral, when the children were laughing about something with their father, and their mother became upset that they were not showing enough remorse.
The man explained: "She told them they should have been looking way more somber after he passed. She told them if they really didn't care they clearly needed help because her husband loved them...My daughter ended up getting mad at her mom and told her she wasn't sad he was gone, he was an a** and she had always hoped she would leave him."
He then describes how the children then walked away, while his "ex was going crazy...I told her they were trying to support her and she should be proud of them for that. She started yelling back at me about what an a****** I am so I walked away."
Newsweek spoke to Dr. Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author, about the delicate situation, and how to cope in blended families.
She said: "Obviously, blended family situations can be difficult; and grieving can exacerbate tensions. While I agree that forcing young stepchildren to participate in a funeral would have been a mistake, it also seems like there might have been some missed teachable moments. For example, I didn't see anything about the children being guided to express their boundaries in a loving and empathetic way: It seemed more like they were guided on a path where they simply refused to participate, without being taught to offer even a basic, age-appropriate compassionate communication about their decision; and then they had an outburst including name-calling before wanting to leave, resulting in an unpleasant situation for everybody.
"It may have been helpful for the children to be guided towards a more nuanced approach where they could recognize that although they disliked him and may even have been privately glad he was out of their life, they could also convey a more respectful attitude as they expressed their boundaries. It is not the job of a child to be the emotional crutch for a parent and it seems like a lot of pressure was being put on these young children in this situation. It seems like there is some pre-existing tension between these two ex-partners, which unfortunately appears to have played out through the children."
Readers on Reddit voted the father "not the a******" for his actions at the funeral.
One user said: "The poor woman is delusional. She has this picture of a perfect husband/father in her head that simply doesn't match reality. I feel bad for the kids having to deal with that."
Another agreed that the father was in the right, writing: "NTA. It doesn't matter how much she wants to believe something; if your children don't miss him then they don't miss him. I don't see that you've done anything wrong here. You've tried to support your children."
One user disagreed, saying: "YTA, It has been a single WEEK since the death and you chose the literal funeral to pull this s***? If they can't be sad for him dying, then they could be sad for their mom is hurting and going through this. Or, at minimum, bite their tongues for a few months."
Newsweek reached out to KaleidoscopeLeft7130 for comment.
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Uncommon Knowledge
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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
About the writer
Leonie Helm is a Newsweek Life Reporter and is based in London, UK. Her focus is reporting on all things ... Read more
